


Soldier and Scout's Adventure in Remnant

by Ooflord21000



Category: RWBY, Team Fortress 2
Genre: Chaos, Crack Fic, Gen, Guns, Humor, Overpowered Mercs, Stupid Mercs, Stupidity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:49:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28171953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ooflord21000/pseuds/Ooflord21000
Summary: The two most idiotic members of RED team end up in Remnant do to an overused reason. What will they do? Probably call people hippies and hit on women.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	1. Nothing Like Freshly Cooked Hippy

**Author's Note:**

> Gotta mention what the main cast is wearing.
> 
> Soldier: Veterans Attire, Soldier's Sparkplug, Cloud Crasher, Gentle Manne's Service Medal, Lucky Shot, Lieutenant Bites, Deadliest Ducklings, Mantreads
> 
> Scout: Fortunate Son, Flak Jack, Brooklyn Booties

"You bone-wearing pansies will crumble beneath this American boot!" yelled a man as he fell from the sky, planting his foot onto the skull mask of a Beowolf. This man was the Soldier, and he was currently mowing down a large group of Grimm using a drum shotgun known as the Panic Attack. He also wasn't alone, proven by a fast guy known as the Scout, who was currently smacking an Ursa Major with a laser bat known as the Batsaber. Now, I'm sure you're wondering how these two idiots ended up in Remnant. Well, they just so happened to be the ones to be in range when Merasmus made a strange portal. Now they were stuck here, not that it mattered, the enemy's really weren't that difficult, they had all of their weapons, and enough ammo to supply an army for decades (thank infinite pockets for that), they also had a military jeep with a built in, deployable sentry. Most importantly though, they had their cosmetics. So currently they were just having fun beating up Grimm.

Now, a good few miles away was Vale, and a few miles past that was Beacon Academy. Ozpin, the headmaster/ancient wizard man of Beacon, was currently being informed of a very large migration of Grimm in the opposite direction of Vale, the Grimm were all headed to a random forest. So, doing what any normal person would do, he sent out his scythe-sword-shotgun wielding birdman thing known as Qrow Branwen, denying him his one week break. So off Qrow went, doing his weird bird transformation thing like some kind of rip off animorph, he took off into the sky, somehow keeping his weapon and clothing on him, what does he do, make them his bones or something? Anyway, once Qrow arrived at the sight, he quickly found the source, two people dressed in strange uniforms, both of which were pulling weapons and ammo from nowhere, and at one point a jeep. Qrow, like any good uncle, sat and watched them for about two hours, he would've watched longer, but the Grimm had stopped charging, leaving both of the men to crack open a bottle of what he assumed was alcohol.

Qrow decided now would be a good time to show himself, he quickly did his birdman thing again, he then casually walked into the clearing. In the brief time he was gone, the men had somehow set up a barbecue, which currently had meat, corn, and a loaf of bread for some reason, cooking on it. "Sup," said Qrow, quickly grabbing the attention of both of the men. "Why do you have a weird cool guy voice maggot?" the bigger man of the two asked, before I could even question what he ment, the other guy had already started talking. "Yo, what's up? Here to give us gold medals for beating up those weird bone things?" asked the shorter guy. "Oh yeah! I can see it now, all the ladies cheering 'Scout! Scout!', they'll be asking me to sign their children! Oh, I'm sure you'll get some too, Soldier," said the newly introduced Scout. "Hmm, new person, what's the best way to cook those bear things? Any specific spices, or just the normal lead and pepper?" asked Soldier. "I- how would you even cook a Grimm? They evaporate! And did you say lead?" asked Qrow, very confused about everything these people had just said. "Oh, turns out mutant cancer bread milk is actually a really good anti-evaporation sauce," said Scout, taking another sip of his beer.

Qrow at this point was in a state of pure confusion, these two must be insane, that is literally the only explanation, it has to be. "Wait a minute… gardening tool, long hair… my god… you're a hippy! ATTACK!" yelled Soldier, coming to a startling conclusion. He quickly pulled a shotgun out of nowhere, and fired. Qrow quickly dogged out of the way, bringing his scythe into a fighting position… only to have it cut in half be Scout's Batsaber, the legendary weapon that people everywhere feared, cut in half by a glowing baseball bat. Scout went for another swing which was barely dodged by Qrow. Qrow knew that he had to escape, for some reason these people weren't being affected by his semblance, so that would be difficult. Before Qrow could think of an escape plan, there was a loud beeping, Scout quickly jumped out of the way, allowing Soldier to drive full speed into Qrow with his jeep. Qrow was sent flying backwards into a tree, destroying a large portion of his aura, Qrow forced himself back up to see a stunned Scout and Soldier. "You're one tough hippy, maggot. Let's see how you like american machine gun fire!" Soldier yelled, deploying the level three sentry. There was soon a deafening boom as the sentry began firing a mix of bullets and rockets. After what must have been a minute of firing, the sentry ran out of ammo. To the surprise of both Scout and Soldier, Qrow was still alive. "My god… what magic is this? I will NOT be defeated by a hippy!" yelled Soldier, shouldering a rocket launcher known as the Direct Hit. "Enjoy hell hippy!" yelled Soldier. Qrow's aura was at its limit, one hit from the Direct Hit would be enough to kill him at this point, but it would seem that Qrow's semblance was taking effect, as instead of firing like normal, the Direct Hit misfired, causing the whole thing to blow up, knocking out both of the mercenaries.

Qrow stumbled to his feet, staring at the two downed mercenaries. "Boy, Ozpin would love to have you two on his side," Qrow said to himself, he then called for a transport. Making sure it was big enough to bring a jeep and two mercenaries.


	2. Shortest Chapter in the History of Mann

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I regret breathing

Soldier woke up with his hands chained to a metal table, now, an intelligent person would do something along the lines of yell out for someone, and Soldier did indeed yell, just not anything nice. "YOU SCUM SUCKING COMMUNIST NAZI HIPPY! I WILL SHOVE MY BOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT THEY WILL NEED TO SURGICALLY REMOVE IT!" he yelled, before he could continue yelling threats that he could likely deliver on, a metal door that he had completely ignored opened, revealing the world renowned Headmaster Ozpin/discount Merasmus. He was a man that was respected by nearly all of the population, Soldier was not included in the 'most' category. "Another hippy! I must be in Canada," said Soldier, shaking at the thought of being in Canada. Glynda soon stepped through the door, standing beside Ozpin, she was about to yell at Soldier for his rude way of addressing Ozpin, but he spoke first. "A hippy and a pimp? You are truly the lowest scum in history," he said, being very disappointed that such a man could exist. "Excuse you?!" yelled Glynda, getting very angered at the man, if he hadn't shown such fighting prowess, and such strange abilities, they would have shipped him off to his grave. She instead gave him her legendary glare, which he promptly ignored, in favor of going on another rant. "I will have you know that I have been tortured by the worst of the worst, and to this day, every single being that has attempted such a foolish endeavor broke before me! Including the rubber ducks on my shoulder belt!" he said, ignoring Glynda's anger.

"I am not here to torture you Mr…?" said Ozpin, silently asking for Soldier's name. "My name is not important, Wizard man!" said Soldier, making sure to avoid the point that the entire point of his name being that he didn't have to disclose his real name. Now Ozpin was very surprised, was it possible that this man worked for her? No, she wouldn't work with anyone so… stupid. "I see, well, I was going to offer you a job here at Beacon, your friend could even be a student here," offered Ozpin. Before Soldier could say something stupid to screw him over in the long run, a voice came from behind them. "No way am I going back to school, no chance in hell, mope nope nope!" said Scout, the Wizard of Oz and the under dressed teacher whipped around in shock, they had chained the man to a table, it should have been impossible for him to escape!

Less than a Minute ago

"Yo, where am I?" Scout asked the empty room. "Wait, if Soldier's not here, then he's somewhere else… uh oh," Scout said, coming to the horrible realization that Soldier was somewhere by himself. Scout quickly materialized a clock in his hands. "Now what were the magic words… oh yeah! ZA WARUDO!" yelled Scout, and with those words, the gears of time came to a grinding halt, now Scout had to find Soldier before something terrible happened.

In the present-ish

"Yeah… I took a bus," said Scout, confusing them even more. "Wait, Scout doesn't want to go to school… I will accept your offer!" Said Soldier, very happy at the idea of making Scout's life a living hell. "Traitor!" yelled Scout.

The present

"And that's how I ended up teaching you maggots the legendary technique of beating hippies into a pulp!" Said Soldier as he stood in front of the 1st year combat class. One student quickly raised their hand. "That story is obviously a lie! There's no way that skinny weirdo can stop time!" said Cardin Winchester, not believing a word of what the lunatic in military clothing was saying. "Alright then, bring up your team and fight him, maggot!" yelled Soldier. "Woohoo! I get to beat up a bunch of idiots!" yelled Scout as he jumped/tripped into the arena. "You punk's ain't gonna last three seconds!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epic cliffhanger, totally not just struggling with inspiration rn. I'd like to mention that there will be a lot of STblackST references and powers in this. Now I guess I should explain that I have a very short attention span, so I won't update stuff as consistently as I'd like, but I will try to continue this story. Now, timeline wise the story starts on the day before the first combat class. I bid you all farewell.

**Author's Note:**

> The Merasmus excuse: Aw shit, here we go again. So, I wanted to make something that wouldn't really take itself seriously, so I made Soldier and Scout the main characters. Next chapter will have more hippies with giant gardening tools.


End file.
